What do you do when you need to release all of the stress that weighs you down? Do you hold it in and wait until it causes a medical problem? Do you hold it in until someone pushes your buttons and you snap? I am so scared that i am going to snap on someone. I don't want to fight anymore, i don't want to be mean anymore. I want to trust people again so fucking bad. How am i supposed to trust any one when i get fucked so much? I have trusted so many people in the past, what has it gotten me? I have been jumped over their bull shit, i have been left to deal with all of the consequences. I have given out money to friends that disappeared over the years. I didn't used to be like this, i used to be nice and caring, i used to trust people so much. I didn't used to hate people so easily, i didn't give up on people so easy. Now when i get the slightest feeling that i am going to get fucked i snap and the first thought that comes to my mind is to hurt them before they hurt me, physically or mentally. This is not healthy at all. My hands hurt every morning when i wake up because of my fighting and punching walls. I have broken my hand more times than i can count. It isn't good when you break a bone in your hand and it swells up twice its normal size and you don't care. The pain will go away. The swelling goes away. It doesn't any more. I wake up to pain, i go to sleep to pain. I don't remember what it is like to not be mad. I don't remember what it is like to go a whole day with out faking happiness. Nikki makes me so happy but i am so quick to get pissed at someone else and i try so hard not to take it out on her. I will never hurt her or Paige, but i am afraid that one day i am going to snap on someone and i will never see my family again. I don't know how to deal with this anger. Maybe i actually have a mental illness, maybe i have just been fucked over too much. I have stopped caring about people that i don't know. I see someone on TV that was in a car accident, or someone that died, or was robbed, and i don't have pity anymore. So many people died in the tsunami and i didn't care. It wasn't me, why should i worry about it? Would they have cared if it happened here? i doubt it. People send money and aid all over the world to help third world countries, and i hate it! WHY? When that third world country has used our money to rebuild itself into a power, are they going to thank the USA? No! They will turn around and fuck us like every other country that we have helped has. Maybe this ranting will help me with my anger, maybe it wont, maybe one day i will be able to see a shrink and they can help me. Maybe when my baby comes i will change. God, i hope so. Maybe i just need to calm down and stop worrying. Maybe i will put this online in my blog that i never use, maybe i will let the world see my issues! That might help. might not. I am so tired of not caring. So tired of being mad. And yet, the anger is comforting to me, maybe it helps me feel more like a man, maybe it keeps me from feeling little and pathetic. Maybe i will stop failing and start doing things right, then the anger might go away. Or maybe the anger is the reason that i keep failing. Maybe i just need to cry. Maybe. Then again , it might not be me, maybe it is the world around me. Maybe i am the sane one and everyone is absolutely nuts! Maybe one day i will just lose my fucking mind. I pray that i don't, i pray that i calm down. Maybe. just maybe. I will be fine. If not for myself then for my baby and for Nikki.
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